In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
