she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize