I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
