It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
