roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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