dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I need moral support for this bender
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
