i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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