Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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