I cockslap morals
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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