My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
