Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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