Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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