so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
