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Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Drunk is a universal language darling
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize