Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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