No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
