Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
