If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
