Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
