we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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