people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
it's like iHOP with fire
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize