I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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