i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
