Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
