Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
