you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
