I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
