Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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