Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
