you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
