they need to just BURY HIM!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
