hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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