He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
