I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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