I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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