it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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