I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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