I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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