i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
