don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
