I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
