stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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