My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize