I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
