In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
