Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
