I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
