I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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