what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
