I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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