Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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