WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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