and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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