Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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