I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
