apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
