Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
