I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
