The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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