You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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