btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
as a side note pls kill me
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
