i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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